Hotblack
by fivecents
Summary: Fitz has killed Eli and now Eli, guided by dead ex-girlfriend Julia, is seeing how being the person he was has affected not only his death but the people around him as well.
1. Sweet Sweet Heartkiller

_"What's wrong emo boy? Out of smartass comments?" Fitz snarled. He reached out again and slammed me backwards, my back hitting the wall. I glanced down and saw him fingering the blade of the knife. Clare stood to the side. Terror etched into her face, her blue eyes glimmering with tears of desperation. She stepped forward but she didn't know what to do. She was so lost and it hurt to look at her. _

_ "Please," I whispered, swallowing hard. I looked back up at Fitz, a tear dripping down my cheek, "Don't do this." _

_ "Someone's gotta shut you up," Fitz sneered. His hand pulled back. The knife lunged at me. _

_ "No!" I shouted. I heard Clare scream. Then I felt like I was dripping. I looked down to where the knife was shoved deep into my stomach. The silver blade glinted in the moonlit hallway; a drop of blood fell to the floor. _

_ I slid down the wall, clutching my stomach. My eyesight was growing hazy. I closed my eyes. I heard Fitz stammering that he didn't mean it. I felt Clare rush to my side and kneel beside me. _

_ "Eli! Eli!" she begged, "Please, don't leave me. Don't leave me..." _

_ That was the last thing I heard before I was gone.

* * *

_

I opened my eyes. I was standing in park...a very familiar park. I scrambled backwards when I recognized where I was. This was the park Julia and I had spent a majority of our time. This was the place where I had kissed her while pushing her on the swing, where we had made love for the first time underneath stars, where she told me that she loved me and where I told her I loved her too. This was the park where Julia had left me and then died.

But wait? Why was I here? The last thing I remembered was Fitz...stabbing me. I looked down wildly, expecting to see the hilt of a knife protruding from my abdomen. There was no knife, no wound, just unblemished skin. So was the whole thing with Fitz a dream? Or was this a dream?

"This isn't a dream, Eli," a girl said. I spun around. She smiled at me, her auburn hair curling in soft ringlets around her face. Her green eyes, so remarkably like mine that people had once asked if we were related, sparkled at me.

"J-Julia?" I was dumbfounded. What the hell was going on?

"You're dead, Eli," Julia said. She gave me a sad smile.

"Fitz killed you."

I backed away from her. "You're lying!" I gasped.

Julia walked up to me and placed her hand on my arm. I could feel her solid as ever. She took my hand in hers and gently placed it over my chest.

"What are you doing?" I whispered as tears stung my eyes. This wasn't real, it couldn't be.

"What's missing?" Julia murmured. I suddenly realized I had no heartbeat.

I took a step back and then another. Then I fell to the ground, howling. My fingers ripped at my hair. I felt so sick, how was I dead? I had my whole life ahead of me; I had a girl I wanted to spend forever with. Why had forever suddenly become so short?

Julia knelt next to me on the grass. She was wearing jeans, and a flannel shirt that she used to say "was made in Heaven". Her face was clear of all make-up, something I had loved about Julia back in the day. She had always been so naturally beautiful, just like Clare.

Julia took my hand again and held it. She was quiet for a moment and then she spoke. "When I...died, it was horrible, for a really long time. I missed you and I regretted everything I had said before it happened. I still miss my mom and dad everyday." She let go of my hand and picked at the seam in her jeans. "I hated that I had died so young. I never got to get married or find a job or have a family. I never got to travel the world."

She turned and looked me in the eyes. A smile was on her lips as she continued, but her voice still rung with sadness. "Your heart stopped beating Eli, so you are technically dead. But, the doctors are working to save you. You still have a chance. Fate hasn't made up its mind about you yet."

She stood up and brushed the dirt off the seat of her jeans. She held out her hand, her delicate fingers dangling, waiting for me to grab them. I allowed her pull me up and she tugged me away from the park.

"Come on," she said, "There's a lot to show you, and not enough time."


	2. Misery Business

Julia and I were walking down a trail in the park when I suddenly found myself in a hospital room. Doctors in stiff white medical coats were rushing by me, their mouths concealed with paper facemasks. The doctors were all crowded around what looked like a gurney and I let go of Julia's hand and moved forward. I felt like I was drawn to the gurney by an invisible force.

I melted through the doctors; they did not feel me and I found myself staring down at...myself. My face was as white as the doctors' coats. My eyes were closed and my chest didn't move. I saw the knife had been removed but a deep gash had been left behind. Blood still trickled from the wound. I couldn't stop staring at my myself, at the stillness of my body. At my corpse.

I felt a hand on my shoulder and I was being propelled backwards. Julia pulled me away from the gurney and said, "I didn't bring you here to see yourself, Eli." She was pulling me out a door but I stopped her.

"Jules," I said, "I'm back there...I'm dead, I can't-I can't just leave."

Julia shook her head at me sorrowfully. "There's nothing you can do, Eli. I told you, it's up to fate." She finally tugged me out of the room but I couldn't help but look back at one last glimpse of body. It was just so bizarre.

We were jogging down a hallway and I looked sideways at Julia. It was surreal being back with her again.

"So," I said, slightly impatiently, "if you aren't here to show me, well _me_, what ARE you here to show me?"

Julia didn't answer though she just stopped. She had led me to what looked like a waiting room. I didn't understand why until I saw the forlorn figure curled up in a chair.

"Clare," I breathed her name. Julia was gone, the doctors were gone, the room dissolved around me. All I saw was the beautiful girl of my dreams. I walked towards her and knelt by her chair.

Clare's legs were tucked underneath her polka dot dress from the dance. Her headband was askew and I saw dark, crimson stains on Clare's hands and dress, my blood. Clare was pale and there were tearstains down her face. She looked as if she was in shock. Her blue eyes were cast downwards, ringed with red, as her hands kept plucking at the hem of her dress.

I put my hands over hers, to comfort her, to tell her I was alright, but my fingers just slipped through hers.

"Clare," I whispered urgently, "Clare, can you hear me?" I was yelling now. I needed her to look in my eyes, needed her to know I was fine, that she could stop crying because it was ripping my heart out.

"She can't hear you Eli," Julia said serenely. I shot her a dirty look and tried to touch Clare's face. Again, my hand went through her as if I were made of air, and I cursed.

I whirled around and faced Julia. "Why the hell did you take me here? To show me how much I'm hurting Clare right now?" Spit flew from my mouth and onto Julia's cheeks in my rage. I didn't care though, I felt wild and desperate. The image of my motionless body still haunted me.

A whimpering sound came from behind me. I turned and rushed back to Clare who was crying again. Heavy drops leaked from her eyes and made their trails down her china doll skin. Then, Clare spoke.

"Eli," she said, her bottom lip quivering, "Please be okay, please, I can't do this without you. I can't be without you. Please wake up, I'm begging you. God, why won't you just wake up?" She closed her eyes and took a deep shuddering breath. She rested her head on her knees and her shoulders shook with her unrepressed sobs.

Julia was behind me again. "I took you here because I thought this would be a good place to start. I wanted you to see how Clare was, because of you."

I felt my fingers curl into a fist.

"Are you blaming me for this?" I asked, my voice shaking in anger. "Because if you are, I really can't handle that right now-" My voice rose but Julia cut across me.

Her voice was sharp and penetrated through my anger. "Listen Eli, knock it off. Do you think Clare would be like this right now had you just backed off of Fitz?"

I looked down at the small, misery-filled girl in the chair. Clare was still curled in a tight, little ball but her sobs had resided slightly. I knelt down next to her again and put my arms as close around her as I could.

"No," I whispered miserably, "She wouldn't be like this." I dipped my head so it was near Clare's.

Julia tentatively touched my shoulder. "Clare's gonna be okay for now, but we have to go. I want to introduce you to another Clare...a Clare ten years after you've passed away."


	3. It's Not The Fall That Hurts

Julia and I materialized in what appeared to be a darkened hallway in someone's house. A thick layer of dust carpeted the floor and the yellowing wallpaper was peeling off, the curls of paper hanging limply. The whole hallway was shabby and pathetic looking.

I turned and gave Julia a look of confusion. She had told me she wanted me to meet Clare, ten years into the future. I didn't get why she'd taken me to this place. Clare would never be in a place like this. If anything, I imagined Clare's home being bright and spacious, lit up with a dozen windows, with gleaming floors and brightly colored walls. Not this hellhole.

I opened my mouth to question Julia when I heard soft moans and grunts coming from a behind a door a couple of feet down the hall. I glanced at Julia and she beckoned me forward. I paused outside the door and slowly walked through it.

There she was. There was the future Clare Edwards. My heart sank, I was aghast. That couldn't be Clare. Clare would never...look like that. Act like that. Be that.

Clare was straddling a male on a bed. There weren't any sheets on the bed; just a stained blue mattress with a couple of visible springs poking through. I edged closer to look at the filthy creature that was pretending to be Clare.

Clare's once gleaming, golden head of curls was now long, and unkempt. Her hair had lost all of its luster and looked ratted. I noticed Clare's skin was sallow and yellowed, like the wallpaper outside. A couple of lines were etched into her skin. _She's so young to have wrinkles already_, I thought. It was her eyes that had changed the most though. Her sparkling baby blues were now dull, the color muddied. There was no sparkle anymore, no flicker, just a haunted, dead look.

I swallowed deeply and turned away taking deep breaths to calm myself. I searched the cracked ceiling for answers, for why in God's name Clare was like this. The sounds of sex came from behind me and I wanted to clap my hands over my ears as the man called Clare a million vile names. And Clare took it, Clare always one to put her foot down when it came to vulgarity, took the man's names for her and rode with it.

I heard them finish and I dared to turn back around. Clare was lying next to the man now, a cigarette lit between her lips. She sucked in a puff and then slowly exhaled it out.

"That was good baby," she said. Her voice was deeper, huskier and scratchy. It was nothing like the soft, feminine voice I knew and loved.

"Damn right it was," the man grunted. I finally took in the details of Clare's lover. He had a ring of greasy brown hair and a large bald spot. His belly protruded outwards and he looked as if he was old enough to have fathered Clare. Sickness bubbled in my stomach when I looked at him.

"So, when you gonna pay me, huh?" Clare asked, not removing the cigarette even as she spoke. "You know I need the money soon."

The man's voice was cold when he answered her, as if he didn't appreciate being talked to like he was a child. "I'll give it to you when I give it to you."

Clare blew smoke in the man's face. "That ain't good enough Ricky. I need the money, I need you to give me a due date."

The man moved swiftly, which was surprising with his weight.

He slapped Clare hard across the face, knocking the cigarette out of her lips. I watched as it rolled, still smoking slightly, to the floor.

"You fuckin' whore," the man growled as he rolled out of bed. "Talkin' to me like she the boss of me..." Still muttering the man walked out of the room.

I waited for Clare to cry, for her to sob over the horrible life she lived but she didn't. She slowly bent down, one hand cupping her slapped cheek, and nabbed her cigarette. With a slightly trembling hand she placed it back between her lips and stared at the ceiling. She took puff after puff, her gaze never wavering. I walked over and sat on the bed next to her.

This was Clare, ten years after I was gone. The woman I sat next to held no resemblance to the gentle girl I knew.

I stared at Clare as the light in the room began to go out with the fading sun. Clare never moved, I would have thought she was dead with how still she was if it weren't for her blinking eyes and her softly moving chest.

"She started sleeping around with married men about a year after you were gone." Julia nestled herself on the bed next to me, gazing with pity at Clare.

I dragged my eyes away from Clare and looked at Julia.

"Why?" I croaked. "Why is she...like this?"

"When you died," Julia began, "Clare lost herself. She turned her back on God, on her religion. She didn't believe in a God anymore because if there was one, he wouldn't have taken you away from her. So, she gave up on her virtues next. Started drinking pretty heavily. There were a couple of date rapes that happened to her at parties, just like her sister. Only Clare, started using drugs to cope. She got heavily addicted to heroin but after an almost over-dose she cut herself off. Slept around with a lot of guys. That was self-medication to her too, I guess. She's been with Ricky for a couple of months now, he took her in, but you can see how he treats her."

I looked away, blinking back tears. "How could I make her this fucked up? She's not even alive anymore, Julia! Look at her, she's like a breathing zombie. Did you see how that guy just hit her? She didn't even fight back, she didn't even cry!"

Julia held my chin in her hands and made me face her. "Eli, with you, Clare was strong. You let her be herself and she began to grow with your help, with your love. When you died though, Clare sank back into herself. She gave up on being strong, on being her own person. She didn't want to have to think anymore, it hurt too much. Do you see what your role in her life gave her? You gave her the ability to become something great. You believed in her, and that helped her believe in herself. With you gone, she stopped believing."

"This isn't your Clare," Julia continued. "There's more to show you, so we need to leave her behind. Come on Eli." Julia gently prodded.

"Why should I go?" I cried. "If I die...this is what Clare will become. Why should I see what other horror my death is going to cause people? I don't want to see anymore, Julia."

"You need to see though!" Julia said, her voice shrill. "You need to see how you impacted the lives around you. How without you, people changed. Just please...come with me."

I looked at Clare one more time. The lined face so vacant. I nodded and Julia took my hand and we were gone.


	4. Lost Along The Way

Julia and I stood in white. The whole world had melted away, leaving a white nothingness in its wake.

"Where are we?" I asked, looking around. There was nothing though but colorless space. It was eerie.

"Eli," Julia said, moving in front of me so that she had my full attention. "After seeing Clare like that...tell me how you feel."

I reached up and tugged at the ends of my hair in nervousness. I was still uncomfortable after seeing the broken woman my death had created.

"I guess," I faltered. "I guess...I'm afraid to die and have her end up like that. But I'm also afraid of how much I affect her. Like, if I wake up...if I _don't_ die, I don't know if I want to be around her. I don't think I could live with myself knowing that any mistake I may make, might ruin her."

"So you think that if you live and leave her alone she'll end up okay?" Julia pressed. I shrugged my shoulders. Julia smiled.

"Time to meet the Clare ten years after you survived...but walked out of her life," Julia said and colors began to emerge around us.

We stood in another hallway, this one was much cleaner though. It still had an air of shabbiness around it, like it hadn't been tidied up properly. I noticed a couple of children's toys littered on the floor.

"Is this Clare's house?" I asked Julia and Julia gestured at a frame hanging on the wall. I walked over to inspect it and my eyes widened.

Clare stood in the middle of the portrait, a smile on her face. Her smile was too wide though; it looked phony, like she had purposely rearranged her facial expression to seem happy. Her hair was darker, and pulled back behind her ears in a simple ponytail. Her face had lost a little weight and it didn't suit her.

Leaning against her legs were two young kids, a boy and a girl. The girl had Clare's aura of sweetness around her in the picture. Her hair was long and curly, and her eyes were exact replicas of Clare's blues. The little girl had her arms wrapped around Clare's leg and Clare's hand rested gently atop the young girl's head of curls. The little boy had Clare's full face but his hair was a dirtier blonde and his eyes held a troublemaking gleam in them that Clare's never had. I was looking at Clare's children.

Then my eyes stared at the father, Clare's husband. He had one hand clutching Clare's shoulder and a broad, conceited smile was plastered on his face. His hair, which normally had hung by his eyebrows, was now slicked back in a greasy manner. K.C. had become a man, and apparently a father and husband too.

"Clare...married...K.C.?" I asked. I found the notion difficult to process. After what K.C. had done to Clare back in high school, after he had broke her heart and basically told her she wasn't good enough for him, how had she found her way back to him?

"I don't understand," I muttered, placing a finger on Clare's tiny photographed face.

Julia stood by my side and said, "When you told Clare you couldn't be with her and then moved away, she became a little lost, and K.C. ended up being there for her. K.C. had just found out Jenna was pregnant and left her and went back to what he knew was safe: Clare. Clare didn't think she was good enough for anybody after you left, so she settled for K.C. Clare got pregnant during her second year of college and they got married. Clare had to drop out to raise the baby while K.C. continued college. They had another kid a couple years later and now here they are, the Guthrie family."

"This isn't right," I said, "Clare wouldn't just give up her education. She wouldn't have married K.C. She-"

Julia cut me off again. "Why don't you go see her? She's in that room right there, second door on the left."

I hesitated and then made my way into the room. There was Clare, sitting at a desk, scribbling on a piece of paper.

Clare looked older, not as worn-down as the other Clare, but she still looked tired. I stood behind her chair and leaned over to see what she was writing. I was surprised to see my name. I began to read as Clare continued to write:

_Dear Eli,_

_ It's ten years today, exactly. Ten years ago you left. Is it pathetic that I still think about you all the time? Is it absolutely idiotic of me to write you letters everyday? Yes, it probably is stupid of me to write to a boy, a man now, that probably doesn't even think about me anymore. I just can't help it; you were always so good at listening. I miss that the most about you, I think; K.C. never listens to me. _

_ I wonder everyday about where you are and about what you've made of yourself. I always think of you with a family, with a woman who understands you better than I did. That's why you left isn't it, because I didn't understand you, because we were too different. I don't like to think about why you left me, it still hurts to this day. I can't help it though when the thoughts creep into my head. I can never stop thinking the worst. That'd probably surprise you; after all, I always was the more optimistic of the two of us. _

_ Eliana is turning six in a couple of days. She reminds me so much of us. Her spirit, it's as strong as yours. I knew it from the moment she was born, and that's why I named her after you. Eli, Eliana, you've probably already put those two together though. K.C. never guessed that's why I chose that name; he thought I just had a great-aunt named Eliana or something. _

_ I love my kids, Eli. They're my whole world. Eliana and Jack are both God's gift to me. But do you want to know the honest truth? I'm ashamed of myself when I think this but I think it anyway: If I were to go back and have you stay with me, I'd give up them for you. It breaks my heart to think that...to think that I'd give up my kids if I could have another chance with you. It makes me hate you so much, that I'm still so madly in love with you, even ten years later. _

_ K.C. treats me well enough, I suppose. He provides for us and he's nice but he isn't you. He doesn't kiss me with the teenage passion we had, he doesn't hold my hand to feel close to me, and he never, ever looks at me like you did. _

_ I should probably get going. I promised Eliana and Jack that I'd take them to the park for an hour. Our park...where we shared our first Romeo and Juliet kiss. I'll sit at our picnic table. I'll imagine that you'll come walking up to me, even though it won't happen. _

_ I love you Eli Goldsworthy, with all my heart. _

_Forever yours, _

_Clare Edwards_

Clare finished writing her last name and paused for a second. She read over her words carefully and I watched as a small tear plopped onto the paper, blurring the words a bit. She folded up the paper and then bent down and retrieved a box from one of the desk drawers. I watched as she pried open the box and with an aching heart, glanced at the hundreds of letters that it held.

"Mommy! Mommy!" The door behind us was thrown open and a bouncing little girl came in. Eliana, my namesake.

Clare gave a great sniff and used the back of her hand to wipe away the tears before she turned to her daughter. Clare's fake smile was set firmly in place.

"Hey honey! Are you ready to go to the park?" Clare exclaimed.

"Uh-huh! I'm gonna go on the swings!" the little girl chattered as Clare grabbed her daughter's hand and swung her out of the room.

"She's not happy," I told Julia as she walked in.

"No, she's not," Julia agreed. "We have to get going though. I think we've seen enough of Clare. Time to show you the future Adam...or should I say Gracie?"


	5. What It Is To Burn

"So what Adam am I going to be looking at?" I asked Julia as we made our way out of Clare's room. "Adam ten years after my...death or Adam ten years after I leave? And what did you mean when you said Gracie back there?"

Julia nibbled on her lip like she was contemplating something. "I think I'll show you Adam ten years after you've left...and then Adam after you died...". Her voice trailed off as she continued to look uncertain about something.

"Alright..." I said slowly, giving Julia a weird look for her cryptic attitude.

The room around us began to spin quickly and then stopped. I stood in what appeared to be a living room. It was sunset, I could tell from the blood orange glow that filled the room.

I took in my surroundings. My feet were planted on a lush green carpet and I noticed an elegant fireplace in front of me. There were two dark blue sofas with a couple of throw pillows propped up neatly on them. A large plasma screen television took center stage as it sat by the back wall. The whole room had a pleasant, ornate vibe to it. I felt myself smiling. Finally, it seemed like my being gone had brought something good for Adam.

I turned to Julia, my grin broadening. "So this is Adam's crib? Little Rocky has it made!" I exclaimed.

Julia didn't return my smile. Her voice was soft and delicate as she spoke. "You don't feel it, do you?"

My smile wilted. "What are you talking abo-" but Julia pressed her finger to her lips to signify that I be quiet.

I noticed it; the house was dead silent. It felt empty, as if no one lived here at all. The house was filled with furniture but there was no signs of people. No photographs, no anything.

"Does Adam even live here?" I asked but the opening of a door cut off my question. I peered behind Julia to what looked like the foyer and watched as a woman bustled into the house, clutching a couple of shopping bags in her hand. The woman had brown hair that curled nicely; she had a lean body that was shown off with a tight fitting red blouse, and I noticed that she had a harried quality about her. A man, who shut the door behind him, followed her into the house. The man was not Adam.

"Here Grace, let me take those," the man said kindly, lifting the bags out of the woman's hands. _Grace? No, it couldn't be_, I thought.

The woman lifted her eyes up to the man's and they were Adam's blue eyes, there was no denying it. His eyes were exaggerated with soft brown eye shadow and black mascara. Adam was wearing make-up; Adam was a girl.

"Thanks sweetheart," Adam said and offered the man a grateful smile and a kiss on the cheek. "I'm just going to go upstairs and freshen up a bit before dinner. You know how shopping tires me." The couple laughed.

The man scurried out of the room and Adam's smile fell a little. She gulped softly and then let out a sigh and headed up the stairs. I followed quickly behind. It struck me as bizarre to see Adam wearing hip-hugging jeans. Adam had curves, it was just so strange.

Adam veered into a room and I hurried in behind her. Adam softly shut and locked the door. Slowly, she walked over to a king-sized bed and sat down. She put her head in her palms and I watched as her hands trembled as they covered her eyes. She sat like that for a couple of minutes, just breathing quietly. Then she lifted her head and I watched silently as she opened a bedside drawer. She pulled two things out and I recognized one of them as the bright purple hairclip that "Gracie" had worn to school one day. The other item Adam held, was a lighter.

"Adam," I said quietly, forgetting that she couldn't hear me.

I felt sick as I watched Adam pull up the sleeves to her blouse. Burns ran all the way up her arms, covering them completely. There didn't look like there was any more room for even one more burn to be made. Adam seemed to notice this too because she lifted up her shirt, revealing her stomach, which held just as many burns as her arms. The hairclip's design tattooed Adam's body.

Adam flicked the lighter and a small flame arose. The flame greedily lapped at the hairclip's shiny metal. Adam released the lighter and the flame disappeared. With closed eyes Adam brought down the heated hairclip to a clear portion of skin. A small squeak of pain emitted from Adam's lips as a couple of tears fell from her eyes. Tears came from mine as well as I looked at the pain my best friend was doing to herself.

With a shaking hand, Adam took the clip away and I noticed her skin was slowly turning bright red. Adam gently placed the clip and lighter back in her drawer and closed it. She stood and pulled her shirt down and walked over to a mirror. She wiped away the residue of her tears and picked up a tiny eye pencil that rested on top of her dresser. She outlined her eyes with black and leaned closer to the mirror to inspect for any sign of sadness.

"You're okay, Gracie," she assured herself. She looked away from the mirror, like she couldn't even stand to look at her own face and then walked out of the room.

Julia slipped into the room as Adam departed. She took her thumb and wiped one of the tears from my cheek but I turned away.

"Explain," I said softly and Julia gave a sigh.

"When you left Clare behind, you also left Adam. I guess you thought that if you continued a friendship with Adam, you'd still be hurting Clare so you left them both. When Clare got together with K.C. she told Adam that they couldn't be friends anymore. She said she just wanted to finally be normal, and Adam wasn't normal. Adam went away to a camp for transgender teens and pretended that she was cured. She became Gracie again and she met Doug, the guy downstairs, at college. Doug's a good guy to her, he loves her and Adam knows that. Adam is disgusted with himself, though. She stills sees herself as a male, and she has to live with being a female."

"Me leaving did this to him, or to her, or whatever?" I asked impassively.

Julia nodded and guilt flooded my body.

"Just show me Adam from after I died," I said. I held no hope that that Adam would be doing well either.

Julia took my hand and we appeared next to a black iron gate. Julia walked through it and I followed her. I stopped though when I noticed where we were.

"Why did you take me here?" I gasped. Julia didn't respond; she just continued to walk up a path.

"Julia stop!" I called after her. "I don't want to see this! I can't!"

I looked around at all the tombstones that surrounded me. Adam couldn't be here.

I ran after Julia, telling her she needed to stop, that she had made a mistake because we weren't supposed to be here. Julia stopped though, in front of a tombstone. I read the name and my knees gave out.

ADAM TORRES. BORN MARCH 5, 1994 DIED JUNE 23, 2012. Adam was dead two years after I had died. He would have been eighteen years old.

"Why?" I sobbed. "What happened?"

Julia knelt next to me and I saw tears sparkling in her eyes as she looked at Adam's grave.

"When you died, and Adam saw what Clare had become, he-he lost the two people he cared about the most. You both were faithful to him, even when you found out who he really was and you both gave him the strength to be himself. With both of you gone, Adam was alone and he grew d-depressed." Julia's voice began to squeak as she told Adam's story and tears fell from my eyes as I listened.

"Adam came home one day and-and t-took some pills. He was dead f-f-for five hours before he was found."

I stood up, my whole body quaking.

"I can't do this anymore," I said breathlessly, backing away and then I ran. Ran out of the graveyard, and didn't stop.

I was trying to run from truth. From what the things I had done had caused. But I couldn't escape. Truth caught up to me and I collapsed; Adam's grave filling my mind, my guilt filling my soul.


	6. Bittersweet Symphony

I don't know how long I sat on that abandoned street. Not long enough for the blame to go away, that was for sure. Eventually, I got up, thinking of where I could go. I was worried that Julia would find me soon and drag me off to some other ill-fated person I'd somehow managed to screw over. I knew in my heart where I wanted to be and I closed my eyes thinking of it. When I opened my eyes, I was there.

Clare still sat in the same waiting room chair. Only this time a beanie-wearing Adam accompanied her. They were holding hands and both looked exhausted and scared. Still though, they were the people I knew and loved, not the terrifying older ones I had witnessed.

I sat next to Clare and gazed at her. At her ivory skin that I always managed to redden with my jokes. At her blue eyes that I could usually make shine with laughter, or like now, fill with tears. I looked at her lips, the color of crushed rose petals, and I loved how they looked when she smiled, and even better when she put them over mine. I loved her hair, how it always smelled like vanilla, and blazed golden in the sun. I loved her hands, how they fit in mine perfectly, like they were made for me to hold. I loved her mind, her innocence, her strength. To put it quite simply, I loved her, madly, truly, forever.

I was scared for her. For her future, for what would happen to her if I didn't make it. Then there was Adam, who may meet the same fate as me.

I leaned over and looked at him. How he held on to Clare's hand and gave her small, reassuring smiles every now on then. I closed my eyes, my heart breaking when I imagined an Adam who thought he had no more options left, and took his life because he felt like he didn't belong.

I stood up and crouched in front of them. I knew they couldn't hear me but I needed to say it.

"Adam," I addressed first. I paused a second, hoping that Adam might give even the slightest indication that he heard me, but he remained motionless. I continued on. "I know things are...rough for you, buddy. But if I'm gone, if Clare changes, you've got to stay strong. You're who you are and that's-that's nothing to be ashamed of. You're such a great person, inside and out. You deserve to be happy, even if Clare and I aren't around to share that happiness. So don't give up on yourself, ever."

I blinked back tears as I turned to Clare. _Please God, let her just hear me somehow_, I thought.

"Clare Edwards," I whispered, my voice breaking, "You are the most amazing girl that I have ever met. You still take my breath away every time I see you. I always think that I'll get used to your beauty, but I haven't, and I hope that I never do. You astound me everyday with your kindness, and even more so with your sense of self. You are one of the most remarkable people this world has to offer. And I hate to think that y-you will give up on yourself because I'm not there anymore. A person with your spirit needs to share it. If I'm gone, know that I will never stop thinking of you. You're my one and only Clare. If I die tonight, know that I will have lived the happiest life, because you were a part of it."

I stood and put my face close to Clare's. She didn't see me but I didn't care. My lips were centimeters from hers. I just wanted to feel them one last time. I softly brushed my lips against hers and then slowly backed away.

"I love you," I whispered and walked out of the hospital doors, searching for Julia.

I closed my eyes and I found myself back at the park, where we had started. Julia was sitting on one of the swings, softly rocking back and forth. I walked over to her and sat down on one of the swings. I kicked my foot around in the dirt. Neither of us spoke for awhile.

"How did you manage it?" I asked after awhile. "Dying so young?"

A breeze softly blew by and rustled one of Julia's curls against her face. Her green eyes stared ahead as she answered me. "I didn't manage Eli. I hate being dead, it still hurts to know that everyone I love is alive and I'm here. I can see and hear them but they can't see or hear me. I'm alone and I'm lonely. It's not fair, what happened to me. They say life's unfair but so is the afterlife. I try not to be bitter, I try to move on, but I can't."

I looked at her, at my first love and I saw the resentment in her eyes. "It's not fair, what happened. I still miss you everyday Jules," I said softly.

Tears filled her green eyes and she turned to me. "I know. I miss you too." She reached out her hand and I grasped it firmly in mine. We sat on those swings, in the park where our relationship had began, grew, and ended.

It began to grow dark when Julia turned to me.

"I understand if you don't want to see more," she said, "But I still have more to show you. Are you ready?"

I was quiet for a second.

"Yes," I said.

We got up, and left the park behind.


	7. Beatdown In The Key Of Happy

**I'd love some reviews *hint hint* ;] Thoughts, comments, what I could improve on...anything!**

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"So," Julia began. "I know you're not going to want to see what I'm about to show you."

"Huh?" I asked but then I was staring right at him. My insides iced over. A cold sweat washed over me and I felt like I was going to be violently ill.

I looked at his dark spiky brown hair, his pointed, weasel face, and his mean, squinting eyes. I was looking at Fitz, my possible murder, depending on if I survived or not.

_ "Someone's gotta shut you up," Fitz sneered. His hand pulled back. The knife lunged at me. And then that burning, twisting pain in my stomach. It hurt; it was like a fire had been lit inside me. _

"I don't care what happens to him," I said loudly.

I was retreating away from Fitz. I knew he couldn't hurt me here, but I didn't care, I was scared out of my mind.

Julia grabbed a hold of my arm and held me in place. "Look, Eli, I know you're afraid but-"

I jerked out of her grasp. "HE'S THE REASON I'M HERE JULIA. I DON'T CARE WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENS TO HIM. HE DESERVES WHAT HE GETS!"

I was being hysterical; I knew that, but that gut-wrenching pain still sat in my stomach.

"Can I just show you, maybe _why_ Fitz is how he is?" Julia asked exasperatedly.

"I don't care," I whispered, staring into her eyes. I turned my back on Julia and the bully.

I began to walk away but suddenly the world was spinning again. Colors dripped and melted and blended together until they created a new place.

"Julia! I'm serious! I don't want to see!" I yelled, but my voice was drowned out by a scream

I spun around. I was in a dim, grungy living room. A huge man was leering at something in the corner of the room. The man wore a stained white shirt that didn't hide the roll of hairy fat that puffed out. He was mostly bald, with a small patch of hair that rung around his head. His face was bloated and his bulbous nose was bright red. He was screaming wildly at the corner.

I crept around him to see what it was he was yelling at and saw Fitz. Fitz had his arms up, a protective stance to block the man's attempts to hit him.

"I'm sorry Dad! I didn't mean to, I misheard you I-" Fitz's voice ended in a yelp as his father punched him hard in the side of the temple. Fitz's head ricocheted into the wall with a loud _whap!_ sound.

"You're such a fuckin' disappointment. Can't do shit right!" Fitz's dad bellowed, socking Fitz hard in the chest. Then he gripped Fitz by the shirt and yanked him up.

"Such a goddamn sissy! Can't even fight," the man scoffed, aiming another blow to Fitz's stomach. Fitz doubled over, wheezing.

"Please Dad," Fitz begged and I was shocked to see tears in his eyes.

Fitz's dad ignored his son's pleas and leaned over and grabbed something off the coffee table. It was a brown beer bottle.

"No..." I whispered, but it was too late. The glass bottle shattered against Fitz's head and Fitz fell to the ground, shards of glass raining down upon him.

His temple was bleeding heavily, and Fitz crouched low trying to wipe the blood away but only proceeded in smearing it around.

I remembered this. Fitz had come to school the next day proudly donning the stitches in his head. He'd told the school he'd gotten into a fight with a couple of thugs in the street. He said that he'd beaten the shit out of them, and all he'd gotten was a "measly, little scratch". I knew better now.

Fitz's dad continued to pummel his son around before he meandered out of the room, leaving behind his black and blue son.

Fitzyboy, the kid everyone feared, had fallen.

I didn't want to feel pity for him, I didn't want to feel sorry, but I did. Fitz couldn't control the situation with his dad, thus he tried to control other situations like his dad. He beat up on kids, on people like me, who messed with him because he saw his father when he looked at us. I wondered if it had been me Fitz had stabbed tonight, or his father. My bet was on his dad, that when that knife had plunged into my abdomen, it was his father he was hurting, not me.

"Understand now, Eli?" Julia questioned. She appeared behind me.

I stared at Fitz as he slowly began to pick up the shards of glass with his bloodstained, shaking hands.

"Yes," I sighed. "I get it now."

"I know you still hate him," Julia said softly, "But know that Fitz hates himself more than anyone else could."

I nodded my head, and looked down at the bully, who was as broken as the beer bottle.

"Show me more," I said gently and Julia and I found ourselves, once again, in a tornado of swirling colors.


	8. Some Will Seek Forgiveness Others Escape

**I just want to apologize in advance for this chapter. I really struggled with writing it for some reason. Next chapter will be better, I promise!

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Fitz sat in a grimy, tiny cell. Ten years had not been good to him. Fitz had always been lanky, but now he looked positively skeletal. His face was pockmarked, and one long scar traveled from his temple to his chin, a result from a prison fight, Julia told me. Fitz's arms and chest were covered in cheap, poorly drawn prison ink. I sat down on the small cot next to him. Fitz's eyes were empty; his face was shut down. To protect himself, Julia said.

This is what had become of Fitz, ten years after I had died and he had been sentenced to life in prison for my murder. No possibility of parole. No shot of freedom. Fitz had taken my life, and now the court had taken his. An eye for an eye, I suppose. It didn't sit well with me, not after seeing Fitz and his father.

"Fitzgerald!" a voice barked from behind bars. I turned to see who was talking, but Fitz remained immobile. A prison guard stood outside Fitz's cell, glaring.

"You've got ten minutes to shower," the guard snapped and unlocked Fitz's door. Fitz didn't say anything, just got up and followed the guard out. I followed as well, noticing a couple other inmates were also being released from their cells to shower.

The inmates were, well scary looking, to say the least. Most were bulky, full of head-to-toe muscle. Others were the more lean and mean type. Either way they each looked like they knew a hundred and one ways to kill a person with their bare hands.

I walked alongside Fitz and glanced over at him, seeing how he looked, walking amongst these kind of people. Fitz's vacant expression never left his face. If he was scared, he didn't show it.

We got to the showers and I stopped. All those rumors about what happened in men's prison were true, the proof of it was right in front of my face. I walked away. I couldn't watch; I couldn't stand there and see what would happen to Fitz. No wonder he looked so defeated, after what he probably had to go through everyday.

I walked back and sat in Fitz's cell, waiting for his return. Julia wasn't there but I wasn't surprised. Julia usually let me see everything that she wanted me to see before she came back and explained everything.

Fitz came back. I looked at his face, hoping for a sign of terror, of overwhelming despair but there was none. Barren, a blank slate.

Fitz walked over towards me and dropped onto his bed. He didn't move a muscle.

Hours ticked by and I waited. Fitz did nothing but lie in his bed. It grew darker in the prison as night approached. Still, nothing. I wondered where Julia was, when she was going to explain to me what the hell was going on. I didn't understand why I was still here.

Then, Fitz moved. He was quiet as he sat up and walked over to the bars that locked him in. He tilted his head to the left and right and waited for a second and then walked back to his cot. He yanked the blanket from off his bed and then stood atop the bed. I didn't understand what was going on until I saw Fitz tie part of the blanket around a pipe on the ceiling a little bit away from his bed.

"JULIA!" I yelled. She needed to take me out of here; I didn't want to watch this. I did anyways as Fitz made a loop with the blanket and stuck his neck through it. He tugged on the blanket for a second and then he took a step forward. I watched as he let out a gasp. His feet hung mere inches from the floor. Then, there were two Fitzes in front of me. One was dangling from the pipe, not moving. The other, stood on the floor, staring directly at me.

"Hey Eli," Fitz said calmly.

I gaped at him. What the hell had just happened?

"You-but you're-what?" I spluttered, gesturing at the clearly dead Fitz.

"I killed myself," Fitz said simply. I just stared at him. "Come on, lets just get out of here, it weird looking at myself like that." Fitz gave a slight shudder and he walked out of his cell.

I had no choice but to follow him. As I walked through the bars of his cell, the prison melted away. We were standing in one of Degrassi's hallways. Our hallway.

"Nice place you picked," I said dryly. Fitz let out a soft chuckle.

"So," he said. "How's life?"

"I see you're still a jackass," I said. Fitz smiled and shrugged.

"You know I'm not officially dead yet right?" I asked. "I'm still waiting around to see if _you_ killed me or not."

"So I guess that means I'm not really dead either, huh?" Fitz asked.

"Guess not," I replied and we stood there in silence.

"I just wanted to say that I well, am sorry for what I did to you," Fitz said softly. He walked away from me and stood by the wall where I'd been stabbed. His finger grazed the wall as he continued talking. "I was pretty messed up to be honest. My dad was...getting worse, I guess you could say. Then with you always up in my face, I just couldn't handle it anymore. It was stupid, I shouldn't have done it, my whole life got messed up because of it."

Fitz turned to me. "Eli, I never intended to stab you. I wanted to scare you, to show that I was stronger. But when you looked at me, I just saw my dad, beating up on me and I well you know the rest..." Fitz's voice trailed off and he looked away.

There was a lot I wanted to say to Fitz, but I managed to sum it all up with three words.

"I forgive you," I said simply. I walked over to him and we stood, shoulder to shoulder, at the wall where both our lives had ended.


	9. Meant To Live

After Fitz and I had our talk I went to go and find Julia. I felt like it was time that fate made up its mind about me. This whole waiting game was getting old.

I found Julia at our park again. She was sitting at the picnic table where we had used to do homework at. Soft sunlight streamed down from the trees and dappled Julia's face. She was glowing like the angel she was. I felt a pang in my chest; I really did miss having Julia around. Though my feelings for her were more platonic than when she'd been alive, Julia had always understood me and I missed that.

I sat down next to her on the bench. She turned her face to me and I smiled at all the little freckles that dotted her cheeks and the bridge of her nose.

"Hi," I said.

"Hey," she replied, her lips curling into a grin. "You talk to Fitz?"

"Yeah," I replied, "It helped. I feel a lot better now."

She nodded and we sat there quietly. Julia and I had always shared these quiet moments together when we'd dated. We were comfortable in our silence, and even now, I still felt at ease with her.

"Jules?" I asked. "When do I get to find out? If I'm alive or dead, I mean."

Julia turned away from me, but not before I saw the crushed expression on her face.

"Do you really hate being here with me that much?" she asked quietly. Her nimble fingertips drummed against the table; a nervous habit she'd always had.

"You know that's not it," I protested. "I just, I need to know Julia. I can't wait much longer."

Julia stood up abruptly and crossed her arms over her chest. She walked a couple feet away from me and leaned against the trunk of a tree. She stared out at the slowly dying sun.

I walked up behind her and as I did, I noticed something on the tree. E + J 4E was carved into bark. Eli and Julia forever. Forever for us had ended two weeks after that had been written.

"I'm sorry," I said. Julia didn't respond but she brought her hand up to her face and swiped at her cheeks.

"Hey-" I said softly and turned her around. Tears gleamed in Julia's bright green eyes.

"I miss you, every day," Julia sobbed quietly. "I watch over you, do you know that? I make sure that you're happy. I try-I try to be happy for you, but it's so damn hard. How can I be happy for you when I don't get to b-be with you anymore?"

"I still love you," I whispered and brushed away one of her tears.

Julia shook her head at me and a small, miserable smile appeared on her face. "Not like you used to though."

She was right. Julia was more like a sister to me now. I would never love her like I loved Clare. Julia's love had been my first but Clare's love was my forever.

"I'm sorry-" I started to say but Julia pressed her lips against mine. It was a desperate kiss, a kiss that begged for one more chance. I gently pushed Julia away from me.

She put a hand to her mouth and looked away. Then she nervously met my eyes.

"There's no hope in asking you to stay with me, is there?" Julia asked.

"I don't belong here," I said. Julia just nodded, like she already knew that would be my answer.

"I'm sorry, for you know, kissing you," she said awkwardly.

"It's alright," I replied, shrugging my shoulders.

"I uh, think it's time I come clean to you," she said timidly. "I don't want you to hate me or anything, but I wasn't completely honest with you when you first got here."

"What?" I asked slowly.

"You were always going to live," Julia said plainly. I just stared at her. "You were never going to really die, the doctors were always going to save you."

"Why would you make me think I might die?" I asked, my voice shaking. I couldn't help it. I was angry. I'd been trying to come to terms with the fact that there might be a possibility of dying all day only to find out it was never going to happen.

"Don't be mad," Julia begged, latching on to my arm but I yanked it away.

"I can't believe you would do that! Was that your idea of some kind of sick joke?" Rolls of fury rippled in my body; God I was pissed.

"If I had told you from the beginning that you were always going to live, would you have really let me show you everything you saw today?" Julia cried. I didn't respond so she continued. "No, Eli you wouldn't have. You would have sat by Clare in the waiting room the whole time. What I showed you today mattered! It's going to change your life when you wake up. You needed that change, you needed to see what your actions can do to the people around you!"

I guess I knew Julia was right, if I had known I wasn't going to die I probably wouldn't have left Clare's side. I was still irritated though.

"Ok, fine, you were right not to tell me," I said, rolling my eyes.

I turned and glanced over at Julia who wore a smug expression on her face.

"Stop gloating." I couldn't help but snap. "When do I get to wake up?"

Julia smiled at me.

"There's just one more thing I have to show you, and then you can wake up," she chirped gleefully. "Trust me Elijah, you're going to be glad you stuck around for this." She grabbed my hand and led me away. As we walked the light around us got brighter and brighter, until we walked into blinding whiteness.


	10. My Blue Heaven

I stood in the middle of a small forest. Huge trees with bending limbs covered in leaves surrounded me. Sunlight sparkled down through the branches. Tiny white flowers peeked through the grass, intoxicating me with their scent. It was like I was standing in a small patch of heaven.

I wasn't alone though. People sat in white plastic chairs in front of me. There was a small red carpet covered with yellow rose petals that lay between the chairs. The carpet led up to an altar. Where I stood.

Some people were quietly talking, while some caught my eye and gave me quick, beaming smiles. I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned around to see a mid-twenties Adam grinning at me. His hair was slicked back and he wore a tux.

"Nervous?" he chuckled.

"Is it that obvious?" I asked edgily.

Adam clapped me hard on the shoulder and said, "Relax bro. This is the moment you, heck all of us, have been waiting for."

I was about to respond when music began to play. I recognized the soft bars of the wedding march. The people in their chairs all quieted and turned around. I did too.

She wore a pure, white lace dress. No frills or extremities, just pure simple lace. Her honey colored hair was shimmering like spun gold. Her eyes had never been a brighter shade of blue; they made the sky look dull in comparison. They twinkled up me. Her cheeks bore her familiar blush, and I couldn't help at smile at the fact that even years later I still had that effect on her. My bride took my breath away; Clare was absolutely ravishing.

Clare walked up the aisle, clutching her father's arm. I didn't hear the music, I saw no one but Clare. Clare's gaze never wavered from mine.

She arrived at the end of the carpet and gave her dad a soft kiss on the cheek. He let go of her and I reached out my hand for Clare to grab. She did and I held on to it as she stood by my side.

"You are so stunning," I murmured so that only Clare could hear.

She looked into my eyes and I noticed huge, happy tears glimmering in hers.

"Thank you," she mouthed and smiled.

The priest in front of us began to speak but I didn't hear a word he said. As he talked about love and marriage and eternity I gazed at Clare. I didn't see her in a wedding dress though. I saw her in a jean jacket as a fifteen-year-old girl.

_"I think they're dead," I said handing her the crushed pair of glasses. _

_ "I-It's okay, I uh don't need them anymore. Got...laser surgery," Clare struggled to say._

_ Her blue eyes locked on to mine shyly. My heart started beating like crazy. _

_ "You have pretty eyes," I stated. I wanted to kick myself, I sounded like such a loser._

_ Clare looked down, a smile curving her lips up. "Thanks, I'll uh see you around?" She looked back up and raised an eyebrow at me. _

_ "Guess you will," I said and smirked. From the moment I met her I intended to be a part of her life, in any way that I could. _

"To love and to hold..." the priest droned on.

_"Could you be more smug?" Clare scoffed, rolling her eyes but smiling as she said it. _

_ "Absolutely!" I bragged. Clare giggled, her tiny shoulders shaking. I reached up around my neck and pulled off my headphones. _

_ "Here, you might want to borrow these." I said as I handed them to her. "They're a noise cancellation. Might come handy if things get worse with your folks...or if you need to ignore an English partner." I wanted to do so much more for her, but all I could offer was a distraction and a couple of jokes. Clare seemed to think that was enough. _

_ "Thanks," she said, meeting my eyes. _

_ "And I'm...sorry for interfering," I said, shrugging my shoulders. "Promise not to do it again." I turned to leave, hoping she'd stop me. I pulled open Morty's door and felt a hand cover mine. I looked up at Clare; heart hammering like it always did when I was around her. _

_ "Um, you can interfere every once in awhile," Clare said. I looked down at her hand over mine. I swallowed softly as Clare spoke again. "But I'm still gonna do whatever I want." There was a mischievous glimmer in Clare's eyes and I broke out in a smile. _

_ "Wouldn't expect anything less," I replied and left with the realization that Clare was not like any other girl I'd ever met, because no other girl could take my breath away like she did. _

"In sickness and in health," the priest continued.

_"You mean that mess you tried to hand in? Juliet gives up on Romeo?" I said dryly as Clare, Adam and I stood in our English classroom. _

_ "No," Clare groaned. She turned to me, twisting her hands slightly. "In this version, Juliet...gives Romeo some time." She was trying so hard to make it okay for me deal with Julia. It was in this moment that I fell in love with Clare. She didn't know it back then, but she knew now. _

"For richer or for poorer, and I promise my love to you," the priest finished. "It is now time for the bride and groom to exchange vows." He gestured for me to start first.

"Clare Edwards," I said, smiling as I spoke her name. "I ran over your glasses. I was mean to you. I put you in danger. I loved you so much that it hurt me. It hurt us. I was afraid to fall in love again, but you were worth getting over every weakness I had. You were my strength, my willpower. You didn't give up on me. You stood by my side during my weakest points. You...you loved me so unconditionally. The night, that Fitz stabbed me...there was only one thought in my head. I couldn't leave you. I stand here today, to say that I don't plan on ever leaving you. You are my world, Clare Edwards, my entire world, and I love you to eternity and back."

Tears trickled down my cheeks as I spoke to Clare. My vow was poorly spoken, but Clare understood. Our love had no words. Our love was the picnic table we'd shared our first kiss. It was in Clare's scream when she proved that she didn't care about what other people thought of her. It was in every smirk, every glance, every touch. Our love was indefinable; it was something that our two souls shared and cherished. Our love was quite simply, Clare Edwards and Eli Goldsworthy.

Clare spoke next. Her voice trembled as she too cried softly.

"Eli, you put me through hell." The crowd laughed and Clare smiled. "You came with a lot of baggage and you seemed to like adding it on, the longer I knew you. I saw though, in you, a person who wanted to take on the world. You wanted to define things your own way. I admired that about you. I was so used to taking what everyone gave me, never doubting anyone for a second. You taught me to look around me and make my own assumptions, to dream of the endless. I dreamt about us. I want to take on the world, with you, by my side. I want you, and only you, forever."

The priest smiled at us. "Do you, Clare Edwards, take Elijah Goldsworthy to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

"I do," Clare said purely. Her fingers squeezed my hand as I waited, with bated breath, for the priest to ask the question I'd had the answer to since the moment I fell in love with Clare.

"Do you, Elijah Goldsworthy, take Clare Edwards to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

_"Or...you could...lay low with your...girlfriend?" Clare asked, hope shining in her baby blue eyes. _

_ I smiled. _

_ "Twist my rubber arm...girlfriend," I replied. Clare looked radiant. I placed my arm around her shoulder, Clare put her arm around my waist, and I grasped Clare's hand with mine. I found, in that moment, that that is where I belonged. Holding on to Clare, knowing that I was hers and she was mine. _

"I do," I said.

When I kissed her, I stopped living on Earth. I was in heaven, because that's what being with Clare was..._heaven_.

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Julia turned to me, her eyes filled with tears of happiness. We sat in the back of the wedding procession and watched as the older Clare and me made their way down the aisle.

"Was it worth it?" Julia asked me. I watched as Clare smiled at the crowd; I could have sworn for a brief second that her eyes met mine and gave me a little wink.

"She's worth it," I whispered.

Julia held my hand. "It's time to wake up Eli." The world around us was getting brighter, unbearably so. The trees and the people disappeared around us in the blinding light. Julia seemed to shimmer and lose focus. I held her hand for the last time.

"Be happy," I whispered, "and thank you."

Then she was gone. And so was I.


	11. The Feel Good Drag

**This is the final chapter you guys. Thanks for reading it :) I hope you like my ending!

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The jolt back to my body hurt like hell. The searing pain in my stomach blazed like a forest fire. I almost blacked out again from the sheer pain of it all but I managed to stay awake.

I lay in a hospital room, on a very uncomfortable bed. When I moved my arms I felt the tug of resistance on my IVs. I was wearing one of those papery hospital gowns and I lifted it up to see my stomach, where a huge pad of gauze covered my wound. I lay back onto the bed, and sighed. I was all alone, when I wanted desperately to be by Clare.

The door to my room suddenly squeaked open and I sat up, alert with anticipation. But I saw no golden curls and worried blue eyes enter, just a bustling nurse with a clipboard.

"Oh you're awake! Good, you're friends will be happy to hear that." The nurse smiled warmly at me and hustled over to check on my various IVs and monitors.

"Are they still here? Can they come in?" I was eager to see Clare and Adam. I wanted them to know I was okay, that I'd be fine.

The nurse bit her lip and eyed me wearily, clearly trying to gauge if I had the strength to see visitors. I tried to look perfectly fine and I guess I passed her test because she said, "Sure hun, I'll go get them now."

The nurse left and I waited. A couple of minutes later, my door opened again and there they were. Clare was still very pale and she looked dead on her feet. Exhaustion filled her eyes but they couldn't block out the excitement at seeing me awake. Adam too wore a mixed expression of weariness and delight.

"Hey man!" he said and gripped my hand briefly. I didn't see him as a miserable wife or a young eighteen year old with no hope. I saw him as my twenty something year old best man. I smiled at him.

"Hey dude," I said, but I turned my eyes to look over at Clare who stood in the back of the room.

"Hey," I said softly to her. She looked away from me, her eyes brimming with tears.

"Clare?" I tried to sit up but I let out a gasp as the pain flared inside me again. At my intake of breath, Clare took an automatic step forward but I held up my hand to stop her.

"I'm fine," I wheezed. "I'm okay."

"I...I can't do this," Clare whispered, "I can't s-see you like this." She was backing away as she spoke.

"Adam," I said, my eyes never shifting from Clare's. "Can you give us some time alone?"

Adam nodded and scurried out of the room and shut the door behind him. It was just Clare and I now.

"Why did you have to do this?" Clare murmured, tears falling fat and fast down her cheeks. "Why do you have to cause so much trouble?" Then she was sobbing and lurched towards me. I caught her with my arms and despite the pain that bubbled up, I held on to her for dear life.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Clare," I cried. Her tears trickled down my neck as mine plopped down into her curls. We sat there and cried for a long time.

"I was so scared," Clare whispered, awhile later. She was curled up next to me on the bed, my arms still tight around her.

"I'm sorry I scared you," I apologized again. I brushed one of her golden tendrils out of her face. She looked up at me, her eyes dry but red-rimmed.

"Please, don't do stuff like that anymore Eli. I-I know you don't like to back down when people mess with you but please don't ever take it this far again. I can't, I can't be with you if you do," she said. Her eyes dropped from mine as she huddled closer to me.

I lifted her chin and then picked up her hand and pressed her fingertips to my lips. "I promise you, that I will never, ever do something like that again. You're too important to me and I don't want to lose you. You're all that matters Clare Edwards. Got that?" I smirked. Clare smiled and whispered something. My heart began to beat faster.

"What did you say?" I asked breathlessly.

Clare's eyes stared straight into mine, her smile opening as she said, "I love you."

I pressed my lips against hers and said against them, "I love you too." We sat next to each other for hours, talking, kissing, and just being together. Finally, Clare rolled out of my arms and got off the bed.

"I have to go. My parents will freak if I'm not home soon," Clare explained apologetically.

"That's fine, I'll see you tomorrow?" I asked.

Clare grinned, "Of course." She leaned over and kissed my forehead. Her fingers grazed my cheek and when she pulled away, they were still there. I caught her hand in mine and squeezed it, before letting go.

She gave me another quick smile and then began to leave the room before I shouted after her.

"Hey Clare? You still love me right?"

Clare turned back to me, confusion on her face as she stared at me. I raised an eyebrow and she gave me a weird look before saying, "I do."

Clare didn't know that in a couple of years, she'd be saying that exact same phrase.

"I do too," I said, and then Clare was gone and I...I was finally at peace with myself.

* * *

I was released from the hospital a week later. The doctors told me I had to take it easy for the next couple of days, which I did with Clare and Adam by my side. I never told them about what I'd experienced when I'd been unconscious, I knew they would just think I was crazy.

The doctors told me I also wasn't allowed to drive Morty around for at least a month, which caused me to go a little stir-crazy; especially with where I desperately wanted to go. So I waited, quite impatiently, for a month to go by. When it did, I told Adam and Clare I had plans and left.

It was a half an hour drive before I pulled into the parking lot. I'd never done this before so I was uneasy walking into the building. I walked up to the front desk and asked if I could speak to Mark Fitzgerald. The cop behind the desk gave me the once-over before shrugging and pointing towards a door I could go through. I thanked him and made my way through the door. There were small booths with a glass partitions between them. A cop asked me to fill out some forms and I did before I sat down at one of the booths. I waited for Fitz to come out.

He did wearing a bright orange jumpsuit. He didn't look good, and one of his eyes was black and blue. He stopped in his tracks when he saw I was waiting for him. The guard behind him pushed him forward a little and Fitz slowly sat down across from me. I picked up the phone and Fitz did the same.

"What do you want?" Fitz asked immediately. His voice was still burly and rude.

"I wanted to say I'm sorry," I said simply. Fitz stared at me, his brow furrowed.

"Why the hell are you apologizing to me?" Fitz snapped.

"Because I need to. I pushed our fight too far and I shouldn't have done that, and I...know about your dad," I said hesitantly. This was the first time I'd voiced my thoughts on what had happened when my heart had briefly stopped. I didn't know if I was right and I waited with bated breath for Fitz to answer.

Fitz's eyes narrowed. "Fuck you," he snarled and made to hang up the phone.

"Wait!" I pleaded. Fitz stopped and slowly put the phone back to his ear.

"What?" he asked angrily.

"I'm just here to say, I don't hold you responsible for what happened to me. I blame myself and I just wanted you to know that," I said.

"You're a dumbass, emo boy," Fitz said. "You know that? What kind of idiot apologizes to the guy who stabs him?"

"A dumbass emo boy apparently," I said wryly and Fitz smirked.

"Thanks," he said after a moment. His eyes glanced at mine through the glass separating us.

I shrugged and said, "Your welcome." Fitz hung up the phone and stood up. He said something to the guard that I couldn't hear and then shuffled away. He didn't look back at me.

I walked out of the police station and into the bright sunlight. Fitz's and my conversation hadn't been emotionally ground-breaking. We weren't friends and I doubted we ever would be. Fitz though, at least knew how I felt now, that I didn't blame him for what he couldn't control with his father. I was satisfied with that. As I made my way to the car I looked up at the sky, blue as can be with puffy white clouds. The earth was silent for a little bit and a soft breeze danced across my face.

"Thanks Julia," I said and then got into Morty and headed back home. I wondered if Clare was up for some exploring today; there was a certain forest I wanted to go look for. One with small white flowers...


End file.
